Saturday, October 25, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Can we change our direction in life by changing the way we think?
I was alerted in my inbox that there was a discussion on LinkedIn. Here's what it said:
"I've heard that the Secret to Success is in the POWER of YOUR MIND, what do you think, can we change our direction in life by changing the way we think?"
There was a link to someone teaching mind-power stuff so I have to believe this discussion was intended for believers. If you know me, you know my answer to this question, but I didn't respond at first. I read a little. (I don't know if it's okay to quote from LinkedIn to my blog, so I've hidden names to protect the innocent.)
Here are the first responses:
X: Absolutely!
Y: Definitely! several studies have shown the impact of positive thoughts. Also, meditation/intense concentration changes the brain waves from beta to alpha where there is a free flow of ideas and creativity thrives. We can behave our way into new thinking!
Z: Yes. A change in mindset can make all the difference. For most that is a matter of deprogramming what we learned in the past and reprogramming for the present.
And a change in mindset alone will not make someone successful. Action is required. More specifically, the right action in the right sequence. And if there is an error, a failure if you will, then the will to get up and learn from the error and keep going; which comes from having a success mindset. Mindset and action go together.
I had to answer that. I couldn't help it:
BSher: Well, it's not my way of helping people find their direction and get the courage to follow it. I don't think we should always be trying to train ourselves to think one way or another. We should try to know what we're feeling and thinking and pay attention to what is causing our problems, so we can fix them. I do not believe we do - or should - create our own reality, either. There already is a reality. Retraining your mind takes so much time and effort - I'm not sure it's possible. I kind of hope it isn't. Anyway, we should use that time and effort to go after what we love, and to get and give support to help us and our fellow humans on our way.
The most confident stepped up to the plate with a fine question:
Z: Barbara. Do you believe that people who don't believe they can succeed . . . can succeed?
I don't think she expected my answer, but what I wrote would be the truth.
BSher: Sure. I did. :-)
I think I'm successful. I'm not rich, but I do work I love, I know I help people, and I look good on paper. I didn't strive to succeed. Didn't even know what success was supposed to mean. I just wanted to pay my rent and take care of my kids. (I was a single parent since they were 2 and 5 years old). I just paddled around like a dog in a flood, checking to find dry land and something to eat. I liked hard work if it was at something I liked doing.
Was never good at being treated badly by a boss, so I mostly stayed on my own. I tried lots of things that didn't work, and lots of things that did. I mostly did what I was naturally good at: working with people. Over the years I learned as much as I taught, and designed workshops because I liked doing that and it helped me earn a little extra money. I saw how interesting people were and turned my workshops into books. Not much has changed. But only one of my 6 books has ever gone out of print, and I'm proud of that.
She came back with more of those fine questions. It was sort of a chess move on her part I guess, and I'm sure she had won more than one game this way, but that was okay because each of her questions got me to do some thinking.
Z: Interesting. I wasn't aware of your story.
I understand keeping going no matter what to take care of your children. Did you believe you would find a way to earn enough to take care of them?
Did you believe in your ability to work with people? Of finding a way to help them? Did you believe that you could prepare and facilitate a workshop or write a book?
Our did you do these things thinking that there was no way you were capable of doing any of those things?
BSher: Did I believe I could get a job? I didn't know until I got one.
[I didn't say this at the time, but when I thought about it later I realized I was pretty sure I could *not* get a job, actually. I had a degree in anthropology in 1967 when it was about as useful as a degree in Philosophy, which is to say, not at all. It was pure luck that in NYC at that particular time you could get a job at the dept of social services with a degree in anything!]
(I didn't like it much and wasn't very good at it.) I had no experience of working well with people - peers or authorities - and I didn't expect that to change.
And then I was put in charge of a group of people, and took to it like a fish to water. It was my first experience with being a leader/teacher, and I discovered talents I didn't know I had in problem solving, and understanding or knowing how to ask questions until I understood, what people were really saying and feeling.
I never realized this until I wrote it down. I never got to use my natural abilities with people (and thought I didn't have any) until I became a group leader for the first time in my life. (Not at that job, at my other job. I had two at a time.) Some day I'll have to think more about that. It's a bit of a revelation.
I certainly believe it now. :-)
You say above, "And if there is an error, a failure if you will, then the will to get up and learn from the error and keep going; which comes from having a success mindset." I agree with the first part: that you get up, learn from the error and keep going and that will eventually get you to a good place.
But I disagree with your conclusion: that this comes from having a success mindset. In many cases, certainly in mine, it came from a survival mindset.
Nothing daunted, Z clarified:
Z: When I say a "success mindset," I mean as opposed to a failure mindset. Of course, these are the opposite ends on a spectrum. They are the black and white of the spectrum. There are many "shades of gray" in between.
Maybe it is more accurate to pose this as having either an "I can't" attitude versus, "How will I?" attitude. Can you relate to that?
I presume you heard the quote that is usually attributed to Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't; you're right."
I have seen this in action over and over again. Many people come to believe that they are too stupid to do anything. Or they are too old to get a job, so go to interviews with an attitude that they won't be hired. Or that having money is only for other people. And they prove themselves right constantly. And very frequently, they just give up.
I don't believe that people are born with this attitude. I believe it is ingrained in us from youth or from hearing things over and over again. It can come from parents telling children, that they are stupid and incapable. Or from being made fun of by peers. Or from the way things are shown in the media.
Obviously, you did not give up. You say that you had a survival mindset. You obviously didn't throw up your hands and say, "I can't do this." It would seem more of I've got to keep trying until I find a way to make this work attitude. Is that correct? More of a "How I will" attitude?
It appears that you experimented a great deal. And you didn't always succeed. But you kept going.
Isn't that very much what Edison did with the light bulb--10,000 attempts until he found what worked?
There would seem to have been a profound determination on both your parts to find the solution no matter what.
Now she had gone too far. I'm sure it was meant to be a fine compliment, but I was never a fan of Edison, and lately I'm a fan of Tesla. Still, I could have let that pass. But I had no intention of letting Z slip in that I had 'a profound determination,' because that simply wasn't true. I feel a far more profound determination today to combat this dreadful, often destructive 'mindset' about Positive Thinking.
From my perspective, that is having a success attitude. Success attitude in that I will find a way to take care of my children. I know some things that won't work and I'm going to keep trying until I find something that does.
Is that accurate?
I just couldn't bring myself to say the truth: No, that is not accurate. It was time to stop ping-pong and say what was on my mind:
BSher: It seems to me that a 'success attitude' means you need to believe you can succeed. I'd like to propose that this attitude isn't important, and it creates an unnecessary bar that not everyone can get over. I've found that you can be certain you'll fail, and still 'succeed.'
And I don't believe in de-programming or re-programming our brains. We're not smart enough to get that right. We don't have enough understanding of who we already are to start ripping out walls and taking down roofs in our brains. I've worked with thousands of people for over 5 decades who did very well without any attitude makeovers at all.
Sometimes it seems that almost everyone believes as you do: that a positive attitude is the only -- or the required - tool for solving every problem. But there are lots of other ways to get on your feet and create a decent life - even if you start out being a sourpuss. Even if you stay that way!
And I completely disagree with Henry Ford in the quote above. It doesn't really matter what we think. And why would anyone think about 'success' in advance anyway?
When I get medicine from my doctor I want it to work whether I believe in it or not.
It does matter what we do. Sometimes to do something, you need help. Good. I believe in that and I can show people how and where to get it. (Informal or formal Success Teams, Idea Parties, classes, courses, coaches, Structure and Accountability, finding your Drive, etc.).
What I'm saying that I didn't quite say there is this: no matter what the problem is, there's a solution. One that doesn't require positive thinking and 'believing.'
Everything I read about believing in yourself, or about that Henry Ford quote above, is based on the notion that you can succeed all by yourself if you only think the right thoughts. That's not true. I know that for sure. And that's not how human beings are designed.
Here's a free cartoon kickstarter you can download (without leaving me your email address or anything else). I wrote it years ago with the help of a great cartoonist and it's called "How To Get What You Really Want Even If You Have No Goals, No Character and You're Often in a Lousy Mood."
You'll find it at www.barbarasclub.com (I'm not selling anything there, and there's a free Idea Party going on all the time.)
Well, that's it so far, anyway. No answer from Z yet.
I would love to hear *your* comments, about this discussion or Positive Thinking or my bad behavior or whatever suits you. (I'm smiling so I should leave an emoticon: :-) )
"I've heard that the Secret to Success is in the POWER of YOUR MIND, what do you think, can we change our direction in life by changing the way we think?"
There was a link to someone teaching mind-power stuff so I have to believe this discussion was intended for believers. If you know me, you know my answer to this question, but I didn't respond at first. I read a little. (I don't know if it's okay to quote from LinkedIn to my blog, so I've hidden names to protect the innocent.)
Here are the first responses:
X: Absolutely!
Y: Definitely! several studies have shown the impact of positive thoughts. Also, meditation/intense concentration changes the brain waves from beta to alpha where there is a free flow of ideas and creativity thrives. We can behave our way into new thinking!
Z: Yes. A change in mindset can make all the difference. For most that is a matter of deprogramming what we learned in the past and reprogramming for the present.
And a change in mindset alone will not make someone successful. Action is required. More specifically, the right action in the right sequence. And if there is an error, a failure if you will, then the will to get up and learn from the error and keep going; which comes from having a success mindset. Mindset and action go together.
I had to answer that. I couldn't help it:
BSher: Well, it's not my way of helping people find their direction and get the courage to follow it. I don't think we should always be trying to train ourselves to think one way or another. We should try to know what we're feeling and thinking and pay attention to what is causing our problems, so we can fix them. I do not believe we do - or should - create our own reality, either. There already is a reality. Retraining your mind takes so much time and effort - I'm not sure it's possible. I kind of hope it isn't. Anyway, we should use that time and effort to go after what we love, and to get and give support to help us and our fellow humans on our way.
The most confident stepped up to the plate with a fine question:
Z: Barbara. Do you believe that people who don't believe they can succeed . . . can succeed?
I don't think she expected my answer, but what I wrote would be the truth.
BSher: Sure. I did. :-)
I think I'm successful. I'm not rich, but I do work I love, I know I help people, and I look good on paper. I didn't strive to succeed. Didn't even know what success was supposed to mean. I just wanted to pay my rent and take care of my kids. (I was a single parent since they were 2 and 5 years old). I just paddled around like a dog in a flood, checking to find dry land and something to eat. I liked hard work if it was at something I liked doing.
Was never good at being treated badly by a boss, so I mostly stayed on my own. I tried lots of things that didn't work, and lots of things that did. I mostly did what I was naturally good at: working with people. Over the years I learned as much as I taught, and designed workshops because I liked doing that and it helped me earn a little extra money. I saw how interesting people were and turned my workshops into books. Not much has changed. But only one of my 6 books has ever gone out of print, and I'm proud of that.
She came back with more of those fine questions. It was sort of a chess move on her part I guess, and I'm sure she had won more than one game this way, but that was okay because each of her questions got me to do some thinking.
Z: Interesting. I wasn't aware of your story.
I understand keeping going no matter what to take care of your children. Did you believe you would find a way to earn enough to take care of them?
Did you believe in your ability to work with people? Of finding a way to help them? Did you believe that you could prepare and facilitate a workshop or write a book?
Our did you do these things thinking that there was no way you were capable of doing any of those things?
BSher: Did I believe I could get a job? I didn't know until I got one.
[I didn't say this at the time, but when I thought about it later I realized I was pretty sure I could *not* get a job, actually. I had a degree in anthropology in 1967 when it was about as useful as a degree in Philosophy, which is to say, not at all. It was pure luck that in NYC at that particular time you could get a job at the dept of social services with a degree in anything!]
(I didn't like it much and wasn't very good at it.) I had no experience of working well with people - peers or authorities - and I didn't expect that to change.
And then I was put in charge of a group of people, and took to it like a fish to water. It was my first experience with being a leader/teacher, and I discovered talents I didn't know I had in problem solving, and understanding or knowing how to ask questions until I understood, what people were really saying and feeling.
I never realized this until I wrote it down. I never got to use my natural abilities with people (and thought I didn't have any) until I became a group leader for the first time in my life. (Not at that job, at my other job. I had two at a time.) Some day I'll have to think more about that. It's a bit of a revelation.
I certainly believe it now. :-)
You say above, "And if there is an error, a failure if you will, then the will to get up and learn from the error and keep going; which comes from having a success mindset." I agree with the first part: that you get up, learn from the error and keep going and that will eventually get you to a good place.
But I disagree with your conclusion: that this comes from having a success mindset. In many cases, certainly in mine, it came from a survival mindset.
Nothing daunted, Z clarified:
Z: When I say a "success mindset," I mean as opposed to a failure mindset. Of course, these are the opposite ends on a spectrum. They are the black and white of the spectrum. There are many "shades of gray" in between.
Maybe it is more accurate to pose this as having either an "I can't" attitude versus, "How will I?" attitude. Can you relate to that?
I presume you heard the quote that is usually attributed to Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or can't; you're right."
I have seen this in action over and over again. Many people come to believe that they are too stupid to do anything. Or they are too old to get a job, so go to interviews with an attitude that they won't be hired. Or that having money is only for other people. And they prove themselves right constantly. And very frequently, they just give up.
I don't believe that people are born with this attitude. I believe it is ingrained in us from youth or from hearing things over and over again. It can come from parents telling children, that they are stupid and incapable. Or from being made fun of by peers. Or from the way things are shown in the media.
Obviously, you did not give up. You say that you had a survival mindset. You obviously didn't throw up your hands and say, "I can't do this." It would seem more of I've got to keep trying until I find a way to make this work attitude. Is that correct? More of a "How I will" attitude?
It appears that you experimented a great deal. And you didn't always succeed. But you kept going.
Isn't that very much what Edison did with the light bulb--10,000 attempts until he found what worked?
There would seem to have been a profound determination on both your parts to find the solution no matter what.
Now she had gone too far. I'm sure it was meant to be a fine compliment, but I was never a fan of Edison, and lately I'm a fan of Tesla. Still, I could have let that pass. But I had no intention of letting Z slip in that I had 'a profound determination,' because that simply wasn't true. I feel a far more profound determination today to combat this dreadful, often destructive 'mindset' about Positive Thinking.
From my perspective, that is having a success attitude. Success attitude in that I will find a way to take care of my children. I know some things that won't work and I'm going to keep trying until I find something that does.
Is that accurate?
I just couldn't bring myself to say the truth: No, that is not accurate. It was time to stop ping-pong and say what was on my mind:
BSher: It seems to me that a 'success attitude' means you need to believe you can succeed. I'd like to propose that this attitude isn't important, and it creates an unnecessary bar that not everyone can get over. I've found that you can be certain you'll fail, and still 'succeed.'
And I don't believe in de-programming or re-programming our brains. We're not smart enough to get that right. We don't have enough understanding of who we already are to start ripping out walls and taking down roofs in our brains. I've worked with thousands of people for over 5 decades who did very well without any attitude makeovers at all.
Sometimes it seems that almost everyone believes as you do: that a positive attitude is the only -- or the required - tool for solving every problem. But there are lots of other ways to get on your feet and create a decent life - even if you start out being a sourpuss. Even if you stay that way!
And I completely disagree with Henry Ford in the quote above. It doesn't really matter what we think. And why would anyone think about 'success' in advance anyway?
When I get medicine from my doctor I want it to work whether I believe in it or not.
It does matter what we do. Sometimes to do something, you need help. Good. I believe in that and I can show people how and where to get it. (Informal or formal Success Teams, Idea Parties, classes, courses, coaches, Structure and Accountability, finding your Drive, etc.).
What I'm saying that I didn't quite say there is this: no matter what the problem is, there's a solution. One that doesn't require positive thinking and 'believing.'
Everything I read about believing in yourself, or about that Henry Ford quote above, is based on the notion that you can succeed all by yourself if you only think the right thoughts. That's not true. I know that for sure. And that's not how human beings are designed.
Here's a free cartoon kickstarter you can download (without leaving me your email address or anything else). I wrote it years ago with the help of a great cartoonist and it's called "How To Get What You Really Want Even If You Have No Goals, No Character and You're Often in a Lousy Mood."
You'll find it at www.barbarasclub.com (I'm not selling anything there, and there's a free Idea Party going on all the time.)
Well, that's it so far, anyway. No answer from Z yet.
I would love to hear *your* comments, about this discussion or Positive Thinking or my bad behavior or whatever suits you. (I'm smiling so I should leave an emoticon: :-) )
Can you make a living at what you love? Probably not. But you have to do it anyway.
What you love is what you are gifted at. But can you make a living at it? Probably not. But you have to do it anyway.
Here's how.
I'm convinced that what you love is what you are gifted at. (I convinced Oprah too, some years ago. She liked what I said so much she repeated it on camera: "Say that again. No, let me say it: What you love is what you are gifted at," she grinned.)
I believe it still, more than ever.
When you love to do something, that's a message from your DNA showing what you're good at. Think about it: Horses can swim, but they don't do it unless they must. But from their earliest days, horses love to run even when they have no place to go. That's what they're designed to do, and it's a good thing they enjoy it, because those colts who didn't enjoy it got eaten before they could reproduce.
But can you earn your living doing what you love? Eventually, perhaps, if your gift is something people pay for by the time you get really good at it. But right away? Usually not. Don't invest in office furniture just yet. Unless what you love is finance and you're in a position to get into a top job, you almost certainly will not earn money at what you love for at least a few years, if then. Even with a gift you need time to practice and develop skill. (In fact, it's usually not a good idea to even try to earn money at what you love until you really know what you're doing.)
But money or no money, you have to do what you love anyway. Why? I'll give you a link to a short video I made a few years ago that will explain why you must do what you love, but right now I want to tell you How. (I just smiled remembering that someone I admire greatly once called me her 'Hero of How.' )
What you need is a 'Good-Enough Job'
Do your best to find a job that doesn't drive you to drink, a job that isn't annoying or hateful and has as it's worst characteristic the fact that it isn't and will never be 'Enough.' That is, a life with only this job in it would be a life of despair. (If you already have that job, don't quit! Just start doing what you really love after work and on the weekends!)
You should call that job your 'Subsidy to the Arts.' Now you can do what you love on your own time, in your own way. You can explore and discover (or not discover), invent and fail (or succeed in your terms), with no one looking over your shoulder.
It's good to subsidize yourself. When you're creating something new you don't want to take orders from anyone. They rarely understand what you're doing. (Even you aren't 100% sure. )
So that's my message. I figure if it was good enough for Einstein, it's good enough for us.
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I believe even job seekers and self-employees benefit greatly from having teams.
The saying is "teamwork makes the dream work."
I hope Barbara tells us more about how she teaches people to develop teams. Obviously, that is a very important part of her program.
After that I stopped writing for awhile. Then in 1994 I wrote "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was" (Got on Oprah and the NYTimes bestseller list with that one.) It still is one of my most popular books. Then "Live the Life You Love" (which I love but I'm not sure many people know about it -- though it won first prize for motivational books in the first-ever Books For A Better Life commission in 1996 or 7.
In 1999 I wrote 'It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now: How to Create Your Second Life" which was a very different kind of book - just came out in a German edition last month and is going into it's 3rd printing I think.
And then a book in 2005 which I'm extra proud of: "Refuse To Choose=.," That's the first book out there about people with 'too many interests.' (I named them 'Scanners.') I get more 'love letters' from that book (and chapter 6 of "I Could Do Anything..." - which is about the same multi-talented people) than all my other books combined.
It's been a lot of hard work, work I love doing, and a lot of gratification all along. (Sorry about the bio -- someone asked. They're probably sorry now.) :-)
I meant to add that to the conversation. I do believe that when you're lucky enough to have hard work you love to do, your life will be good whether you're 'successful' or not and whether you believe in yourself or not, or feel positive or negative or any way at all.
I respect your position but there is an opposing view. I want you to know that.